For the past many days, I’ve been in funk. I’ve been wondering, worrying, moaning and stressing about HOW IT’S ALL GOING TO WORK OUT. My business, my wedding, my LIFE – all of it. I’ve been feeling clueless about my next steps, and quite frankly, overwhelmed by it all. Essentially – I’ve found myself smack dab in the middle of Funk City.
As you can imagine, it’s not a pretty place to be. It’s kind of like the favela of my brain – an overcrowded, dirty place where every thought looks sort of hopeless. It’s also a kind of ‘woe is me’ place, a place where not a lot of creation is happening, but a whole lot of self-judgment is. And trying to be productive from this place? Fuhgettaboutit.
So this weekend, I took a long walk by the beach – destination Starbucks – to try and get some leverage on my mind and my mood (long walks and coffee are kind of like therapy for me). I sat in Starbucks for a while and wrote. And wrote, and wrote, and wrote.
And I thought, “hey, I want to share this,” because whenever I hear the REAL experiences/problems/worries/fears/feelings of others, I feel better. I feel closer, more connected and not so alone.
Now, I’ve debated quite a bit with myself over whether or not to share this writing. Why? Well, because I’m a life coach, and hey, aren’t life coaches supposed to have it all figured out? Aren’t we the ones other people call to help them figure out their own lives?
Well, perhaps, AND what’s even more important to me than what people think is that I’m being REAL.
In my own life experience, whenever I’ve had the privilege of knowing what someone else is really feeling, thinking, dealing with, etc, I’ve felt stronger somehow, and less alone. And if I am going to be of service at all in this lifetime, I want to know that I’ve helped someone else feel like they’re not alone.
The other problem with staying in the “perfect life coach” box is that it not only perpetuates the illusion of perfection, but it keeps you and I separate. It doesn’t allow me to show up as the REAL PERSON I am, the human being who goes through exactly the same stuff as everyone else.
So, no. I’m a human being first, and writing as such below. And I’m sharing it because I believe that we (I) need honest, authentic, vulnerable conversation more than ever now, in order to really become our (my) most fully expressed selves.
So, here goes….
Saturday, February 7
I feel like I’m never going to make it. I have no f-ing clue how it’s going to work out. I don’t even know what the next step is in working it out. Or even how I want it all to work out.
And yet….I also know that this feeling is fairly normal. For me. Or, maybe I should say that this is certainly not the first time in my life that I’ve felt like this (I think I must have been in this space, oh, a few gazillion times before).
OK. So it’s NORMAL. I’ve been here before. And I’ve been known to be dramatic about it while being in this place before. I’ve freaked out internally before, CONVINCED that it’s NEVER going to work out.
And…. it’s passed before. Inevitably, something has always happened to shift my perspective, or I have shifted internally in some way with how I’ve held it. It’s not because I’ve had any major AH-HA moments (that’s not usually my process), but, despite that, it has passed and changed.
So, what I know about this place so far is that it’s NORMAL (at least for me), and it has always passed.
What else do I know about this place?
Well, it seems to come up every month at a certain time (Ladies, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Guys – it’s called PMS).
OK – so I know that this funk is NORMAL; it passes/changes; and that it happens fairly regularly.
What else do I know about the “I don’t know how it’s all going to work out” place?
I know that it always does work out, somehow. I don’t know how or why, but looking back, things have always worked out and most often for the better. Always, always, always. So that’s another thing I know about this place.
I also know that writing (by hand, with a pen, in my journal) helps me personally when I’m in this place. No amount of “figuring it out” or doing more will help; just writing it all out. As does reading or listening to other people’s real, vulnerable, authentic experiences. When I am privileged to hear someone’s honest truth, I don’t feel nearly as alone.
Now, knowing all of this, here’s what I know so far about being in the funk:
1. It’s NORMAL. The funk place in the process of growth is normal. Perhaps even to be EXPECTED.
2. It always passes. I have been through moments like this before. And, not only have I survived, I’d like to think I’ve grown stronger or wiser in some way. In any case, it’s never been a permanent state.
3. It happens fairly regularly. If I am PMS-ing, I could just give myself a break, knowing that my outlook is more hormone -based than anything.
4. It ALWAYS works out, often better than I can predict. So, maybe it’s best for me not to make assumptions while in this place, but to remain open.
5. That I can do a few things to make myself feel better when I’m here: walking, reading, writing, reading/listening to others’ real experience, Starbucks 🙂
So, maybe, just maybe, this doesn’t mean that I should abandon everything. Maybe, just maybe, this means that I’m on the edge of something big and new. A new level, a new stage, a new chapter, a new vista. Maybe this means that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and feeling this way is a good sign. Maybe, just maybe, it means that I’m stretching and growing into unknown territory.
And perhaps, instead of fretting and worrying and giving all my energy to the funk, I could allow and possibly even accept what I’m feeling, and just be with it (or be with myself as I go through this), and allow it to simply pass like clouds in the sky. Instead of fighting and grunting and trying to control the clouds – which is a fairly fruitless task anyway – I could simply notice them and continue doing my work.
Hmmmm….. Continue to do my work. Now there’s an idea. Knowing that this is all normal, temporary, that it all changes/passes and that it works out better than I can imagine, I COULD choose to just keep on doing my work. Just keep taking one tiny step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other… yeah.
So, it’s been helpful for me to write and share this. I hope that in some small way it’s been helpful to read.
I believe that by speaking openly and vulnerably and authentically about our REAL feelings, we not only help each other, but we feel supported and fortified. Or, at least I do.
If you have any thoughts or comments, or just feel like sharing, I’d love to hear.